Twitview: 300 Part Deux — This Time It’s On Boats, With More People.  Pity more people = less actual story.  Grade: C

“THIS IS SPARTA!”

Yes, you’ll hear that famous bon mot in this sequel to 300, the film that made screaming references to ancient Greek cities cool.  You’ll also see a few of the faces from the original film here too.  In fact, there’s a whole lot of “I’ve seen this” in 300: Rise of an Empire (from now on I’ll call it Rise, because I’m just not feeling tapping out the full title over and over ad nauseum).  What you won’t see is anything more compelling than flashy eye-candy for gorehounds.  As a gorehound, I enjoyed every CGI-blood-y moment of the battles.  Unfortunately, I wish Rise had more than just slash & tear to rest it’s helmet on.

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There are books so amazing that people want to make them into movies.  There are movies so horrible that the books they’re based on are forever tainted by the jeers and catcalls of cinemagoers and at home bad-movie marathons.  But when an author loses the rights to any future remakes, guess what?  You get another Endless Love.  Definitely not a story about one young man’s borderline psychotic obsession with a girl and her family, this new film is all about l’amour, and how two young people fight hard to keep it.  And while it’s leaps and bounds better than the horrible train wreck that was Zefferelli’s version back in 1981, the main thing this Endless Love has going for it is that it doesn’t totally suck.

You say you’ve seen teen romance flicks before? Yeah you have.  And if you’re wondering if there’s anything different about this film, there isn’t.  It’s got the usual Harlequin storyline: boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, there is An Obstacle, there is Another Obstacle, then cue the possibility of a Happy Ending.  This Endless Love throws in the basics from the film before it (and Scott Spencer’s novel on which they’re both based), and throws out everything else.  If you’re looking for a film that’ll put you through the wringer and then give you hearts and flowers as an end-scene apology, this is just the ticket.  But as with other films based on beloved novels that have come onto the scene lately, anyone wanting to see the original story brought to life is best served by re-reading the source material.

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Twitview: Avoid. The stills from this film are better than the film itself. 1 out of 5

Renny Harlin harkens back to his Cutthroat Island days with The Legend of Hercules, a film so derivative and dull that I’m shocked it took me 45 minutes to want to check Candy Crush Saga. Hercules is a mish-mosh of 300, The Matrix, and Braveheart (let’s take back our kingdom y’all!), a testosterone fest too dull for even the biggest fan of bloodsport. Think Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome meets Clash of the Titans, but with no bits of humor to make it enjoyable, nor convincing storyline to make anyone care about who lives or dies.

I had high hopes for this film. A bunch of beautiful men in skirts. Not too shabby, right? Add Psychotic king and his bereaved wife, who decides to opt for a little Olympic hanky-panky. Meanwhile the heir to the throne — and Hercules’ half-brother — is a petulant wimp that couldn’t find his…purpose in life…with two hands and a road map. All of that makes for a promising hero-bent-on-revenge flick.  Ahh, empty promises.

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