Twitview: 300 Part Deux — This Time It’s On Boats, With More People.  Pity more people = less actual story.  Grade: C

“THIS IS SPARTA!”

Yes, you’ll hear that famous bon mot in this sequel to 300, the film that made screaming references to ancient Greek cities cool.  You’ll also see a few of the faces from the original film here too.  In fact, there’s a whole lot of “I’ve seen this” in 300: Rise of an Empire (from now on I’ll call it Rise, because I’m just not feeling tapping out the full title over and over ad nauseum).  What you won’t see is anything more compelling than flashy eye-candy for gorehounds.  As a gorehound, I enjoyed every CGI-blood-y moment of the battles.  Unfortunately, I wish Rise had more than just slash & tear to rest it’s helmet on.

Rise has been touted as the story of how the “God King of Persia”, Xerxes (That’s Xerxes I, for fellow history nerds) rose to power.  But we only have one brief subplot that takes Xerxes on a desert walkabout where — TADA! — he goes bonkers and then dips himself into a pool that makes him bald, uber-pierced, and really into tiny gold lamé speedos.  After that, poor Xerxes gets shuttled off to the side, and Aretemisia, a greek woman who shifts allegiance to Persia (for really good reasons), takes center stage.  All heavy lidded and snarling fury, Artemisia is hands-down the most interesting character in Rise, and that’s thanks to Eva Green (Casino Royale, Camelot).  She’s also given a ton of screen time, something that Lena Hedley’s Spartan Queen Gorgo isn’t allowed.  Pity, because I’d have loved a deeper look at Gorgo’s shift from vehemently opposing a united Greece to going gung-ho into the slaughter (not a spoiler, if you’ve seen any of the teasers for this film.) And lawds knows Hedley would have been able to throw down; in the 8 years since she’s donned the toga, Hedley has had tons of Queenly experience as Cersei Lannister on Game of Thrones.  But in Rise we only get hints at what could have been an epic bit of storytelling.

The other person who gets massive screen time, and who plays Artemisia’s nemesis/lust puppet, is Sullivan Stapleton as badass Greek general Themistokles.  But honestly?  All of the blah-blah surrounding each battle scene is just that; so many words that rolled over me, lulling me into…zzzz.  Whazzat?  Oh yeah.  In a movie where it’s supposed to be all action, all the time?  I had to force myself not to nod off.  That’s all you really need to know.  Blood?  Yes.  Battles?  You betcha.  Boring?  Anytime the first two things are nowhere to be seen.  That’s a shame, but it tells me one thing: Frank Miller’s unpublished graphic novel Xerxes, on which Rise is based, was unpublished for a reason.