No no, don’t turn away.  Keep reading.  This isn’t a joke.  Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter is the first film made from the wealth of historical/horror spoofs that have been hitting bookstores over the past few years (Sense and Sensibilities and Seamonsters, anyone?)  Thankfully, Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter rises above it’s one-joke premise and delivers a spine-tingling rush of action that makes it a perfect summer treat.

“History prefers legends to men”, Lincoln says in voiceover as the film begins, and it’s the truth regardless of our current obsession with reality television.  We love to stare at the glorious enormity of the Lincoln Memorial, but beyond the stovepipe hat & trusty axe, what do we really know about the man?  The screenplay (and novel on which this film is based) from Seth Grahame-Smith (The Hard Times of RJ Berger) gives us a possibility.  Sure, it’s a far-out fabrication, but there’s also a love of country and a desire for the freedom of all people tucked in there that got to me.  Sure, it’s produced by Tim Burton, but it doesn’t have the wacky Burton/Depp-ness that has fallen flat of late (Dark Shadows anyone?  Anyone?)

Abraham Lincoln was a great president, but it seems there was a secret history to the man.  You see, it wasn’t just that slavery was flourishing in the South, but that slavery was flourishing because vampires were using slaves as cattle.  Who wouldn’t fight against that?  With his trusty axe — Abe decides early on that guns are best left to others — he decides to take on the vamps and make the United States free for all, and free of vampires.  Yeah, that sounds crazy, but trust me it works.  Much of the success of this movie rests on the shoulders of director Timur Bekmambetov for making this more an action film than a horror satire.  Bekmambetov’s work in Wanted and Night Watch serves well here, his deft touch with action sequences and his ability to make vampires scary (read: no sparkles) gives the film an edgy, gritty feel.

And then there are the performances.  Rufus Sewell (Pillars of the Earth) as head vamp Adam knows when to dial up the wicked glee and went to keep it on slow burn.  Anthony Mackie (The Hurt Locker) as Abe’s childhood friend Will, and Dominic Cooper (The Devil’s Double) as fellow vamp hunter Henry, both deliver great performances, but are clearly backup dancers to Benjamin Walker (Flags of Our Fathers) as Abe.  Walker’s portrayal of the President is like something you’d see in a real, honest-to-goodness biopic (or something I’d like to see in more biopics).  It’s heartfelt, real and even when things get weird Walker manages to dial down the crazy that surrounds his character and bring the audience along for the ride.  Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Scott Pilgrim vs. the World) as Mary Todd Lincoln has a few scenes with some real power to them, and I’m hoping some smart Hollywood muckity-muck gives here a true star-power role soon.  What?  She was brilliant in The Thing too.  Her time has come people.

Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter takes us through the president’s life, from his boyhood to his final days.  Woven into this tale of vampires and slavery are some real bits from Lincoln’s life; the early death of his mother, the death of his son Willie, and his time as a “prairie lawyer”.  They even bring in the love triangle between Lincoln, Mary Todd and Stephen Douglas, a storyline I thought was too perfect for the film to be real but did indeed happen.  As Lincoln’s real life fit in more stories than any one film could manage (let alone a history/horror mashup film), it glosses over much in order to get to the vampy business at hand.  But the film doesn’t feel rushed or choppy.  Instead there are other pieces of history added to strengthen the potentially laughable vampires-in-history motif, making the whole thing work.  Leader of the Underground Railroad, Harriet Tubman, is brought into the story even though she and Lincoln never met in real life.  But that tweak of history works here.

The special effects are great, especially the contact lenses/CGI for the vampires.  There’s a strange, dichroic-glass glow to their eyes that mesmerized me.  As did the climax of the film, complete with burning bridge, speeding locomotive and more vampires than you can shake a stake at.  Scenes blend together well, and there’s a segue from Abe swirling his axe to ink swirling into cursive on the page that I almost gave a standing ovation to.  The 3D?  Meh; while there are plenty of cool burning ashes and blood spatters, there are times when this effect gets fuzzy around the edges.  It’s great to see this in 3D, but not a necessity.

Seven score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a vampire-free nation.  Hey, maybe.  And it’s well worth your hard-earned to see how Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, got it done.