Oh Pixar.  How I love the things you’ve done.  Especially the films Monsters, Inc. and Wall*E.  Director Andrew Stanton rocked the house, y’all.  Now there’s Stanton’s first live-action film, John Carter, done while on loan to Disney studios.  Um.  When does he get back to Pixar?

John Carter is an intriguing story based on a series of books that were written almost 100 years ago.  This movie has a whole lot going on.  Pity all that action is so dreadfully dull.  I felt like I was watching the movie through plexiglass, as if a beautiful tale was unfolding in front of me that I couldn’t touch.  The start of a series?  Prolly not.

John Carter the movie, is based on the Barsoom series by Edgar Rice Burroughs.  In particular, the first book of the series, A Princess of Mars.  Carter is a dude with an attitude as big as Texas, but who hales from Virginia.  Having fought in the Civil War (on the side that lost, obviously), he’s looking for ways to make himself a fortune.  His quest for a cave of gold has everyone laughing, but he knows one day he’ll be rich.  And so one day he stumbles into a cave while trying to avoid a serious beat-down…and ends up on another planet.  Mars, to be exact.  Before too long he’s pulled into a conflict between two warring sects of human-ish beings, a tribe of awesome looking four-armed warriors called the Tharks, and some shady grey-robed beings that seem to be playing them all like chess-pieces.

My main problem with John Carter the movie is that John Carter the character is the least interesting guy in the film.  Part of this lies with Taylor Kitsch and his still-in-development acting skills.  Part of this lies with the inability of this film to show us why we should be more interested in this guy than any of the other characters.  And there are some pretty cool characters here, with some powerful actors behind ‘em.  Samantha Morton (The Messenger) plays perpetual Thark goof-up Sola, showing more humanity than the actual humans she’s playing alongside.  Thomas Haden Church (Sideways) plays badass Thark Tal Hajus, and none other than Willem Dafoe plays the leader of the Thark, Tars Tarkas.  Yes I said plays, not voices.  With the amazing things done with CGI nowdays, it’s about time to give the actors a tip of the hat for all they do with these parts.  All three give wonderful performances.

Back to the humans, Dominic West plays boo-hiss baddie Sab Than with a scenery-chewing intensity that is sheer overkill for what feels like a cardboard cutout character.  You’re a long way from The Wire, my friend.  Though I wouldn’t have minded seeing you in a loincloth back then — play it off as one of McNulty’s drunk-ass binges — it kinda looks a bit silly here.  Seriously, do most directors of old-school Sci-Fi believe loincloths are the way to go?  Pants, leggings; something that doesn’t make main characters look like low-rent Chippendales dancers on Spartacus Night.  Look into it, production staff.

Remember that cool chick Logan fell for in X-Men Origins: Wolverine?  That’s Lynn Collins, and she plays the film’s most interesting character, Dejah Thoris; a scientist who wants to save her people and her planet.  And oh yeah, she’s a princess but she’d rather throw down like a warrior than sit in dad’s pad.  Collins breathes real life into Dejah, showing us a woman who will do what she has to for her people, and will never give up without a fight.  Now that’s a character worth building a series around!

Can I take a second here to unpack my inner 5-year-old?  Because seriously folks, the best part of this movie is Woola.  Woola is a “calot”, what the Tharks call pets, and it steals every friggin’ scene it’s in.  And it looks like a adorable giant penis on 6 legs.

But believe me when I tell you, this is the cutest thing you’ll see this year.  (Okay, unless How To Train Your Dragon 2 comes out, because all bow to the greatness that is Toothless.)  The way Woola zips around superfast, leaving a little cloud of dust behind him?  And his blue tongue?  Adorb.  I’d watch an entire movie of just this goofy guy.  Make of that what you will, Freud.

3D?  Completely unnecessary here.  While Stanton’s movies at Pixar have 3D that blows audiences away, here that enhancement serves no purpose.  I don’t expect things to constantly fly off the screen (though that would be awesome), but I do expect a certain level of polish.  Avatar had it.  Transformers had it.  And Stanton, your animated movies had it.  So get back on board.  You’ve got it in you.

John Carter clocks in at 132 minutes, and believe me you feel every one of those minutes.  I understand wanting to hew close to beloved original source material, but next time (though I doubt there’ll be one) take a tip from Peter Jackson.  Cover the most important stuff, and let everything else slide.  Trying to keep the sub-plot where Edgar Rice Burroughs himself is Carter’s nephew that has to protect Carter’s tomb…I almost fell asleep typing that.  Anyway, it’s nothing but story bloat in an already overlong film (not to mention that it feels a bit Marty-Stu).  John Carter should feel like a fun Saturday morning serial, not an epic.  This film tries to be Avatar when it should have aimed for Flash Gordon.  At costs estimated at 300 million dollars, I’d expect a bit more than a few cool characters floundering around a lifeless storyline.  Here’s a tip on how to recup your losses; do a “Woola’s Cut” Blu-Ray.