Okay, it’s Christmastime.  Everyone’s running amok in the malls, or avoiding their embarassingly drunk family members (I know that’s not just me.)  You’re trying to figure out what to see at the multiplex for two or more hours of blessed silence.  So I’ll be brief; Parental Guidance should be your last choice.  All in all, it’s a sweet little film that tries hard to rise above it’s desperate slapstick and rehashed jokes, but fails in the attempt.  Sure, it cleans itself off during the last third of the film, but by then the damage has been done.

I really wanted to like this movie: Bette Midler!  Billy “I Own The Oscar Show” Crystal!  Marisa Tomei, who is under-appreciated comic gold in my humble opinion.  And yes, these stars do wonderful work here.  But it’s like gilding a dandelion; why bother adding to something you don’t want around anyway?

The premise, for those of you still intrigued, is simple.  Parents Phil and Alice (Tom Everett Scott and Marisa Tomei) are slated for a lovely getaway because Phil’s “RLife” computerized house has won a major award.  (No leg lamp, sadly.)  Problem is, who’s gonna look after the kids while Mom and Dad are gone?  After trying to call everyone they know — shades of Uncle Buck — Alice’s parents, who never like to come visit, are asked to babysit.  But this time they say yes, mostly because Artie (Billy Crystal) has been fired from his job, so his wife Diane (Bette Midler) demands they go.  Hilarity is supposed to ensue.

Are there some fun scenes?  Absolutely.  You’d have to be pretty daft to write a script that these actors couldn’t squeeze at least a chuckle or two out ouf.  But Parental Guidance feels like a mish-mash of films we’ve seen before:
* A sports crazy dad whose job in the industry causes them to move all over,so his daughter doesn’t understand him (Trouble With The Curve)
* Wacky hijinks featuring No-No-Places and barf (any bro-comedy)
* Generation gap battles (Freaky Friday, but without the cool body-swaps; they even co-opt the ’03 poster here)

The real waste was the set itself (think of it as Chitty Chitty Breakfast Bar.)  Phil’s RLife house seemed like a setup for computer assisted hilarity, especially when we’re told that Artie is still firmly in the non-computer age.  But this was yet another idea tacked on & tossed aside. As was the back and forth about tween daughter Harper being invited to a party the night before a big recital/audition.. There’s tons of “will she or won’t she be able to go”, but when it’s time for that subplot to shine? the whole family – daughter included – doesn’t seem that invested.  Neither was I.

The good bits?  Like I said, there are a few.  Any time Tomei and Scott are shown on their getaway, it’s wonderful.  And that trying-to-juggle-as-parents subplot is a good one that could have been given more room to breathe.  Interaction between the kids, especially tween Harper and her schoolmates, is well done and the young actors do their parts justice.  But they feel more like props for in-your-face gags.  So is the idea of Artie’s computer illiteracy; it’s sweetly heartbreaking to see him passed over for a more youthful person, but as with the paragraph above, it’s a subplot that’s used for crude humor, then tossed aside.  (Speaking of, my GenX heart broke to see a cameo by Tony Hawk be nothing more than a pratfall in toddler urine.)

To be fair, much of the negativity I dump onto this film is due to the barf scene poor Billy Crystal had to endure.  Seriously; you have a great stand-up comic and you decide to have him puke all over a little kid?  Well, considering director Andy Fickman is responsible for another waste-of-talent “comedy” You Again, it shouldn’t be surprising.  Writers Lisa Addario, Joe Syracuse seem to come up with a screenplay every five to ten years, and with this film trailing behind their other misses — that’d be Surf’s Up and Lover Girl, and yeah I haven’t seen them either — I’m guessing there will be an even longer break before their next one.  Hopefully they’ll use that time to take a few writing courses.

Parental Guidance, the movie?  Falalalala, la la la…skip it.