It’s been two years since Legendary Pictures’ remake of Clash of the Titans.  And it’s taken me  about two years for me to have the taste of suck finally rinse out of my mouth.  Legendary  takes a swing at a sequel with Wrath of the Titans…and well, it’s better than the first film.

Perseus, having given up the option to live with his father Zeus as an immortal in Olympus, is now a fisherman with young son Helius (which is actually the name of the Sun God in Roman mythology, but whatever).  Zeus pops in for a visit, as Greek gods often do, and lets Perseus know that the Gods will soon be no more, thanks to a lack of prayer and belief from humans.  Hey, you screw enough married chicks and you’ll start to get dissed, Zeus.  Only a matter of time.

Meanwhile, back in Tartarus (aka Greek Hell), Hades and Ares are plotting to free Cronos, the Titan who fathered Hades, Zeus and Poseidon (and several other gods).  Sure, Cronos will destroy humanity, but I don’t think they put much brain power into what would happen after.  Quick tip: releasing a power hungry, pissy, all-powerful entity is Never A Good Idea.  Especially when the Gods are starting to die.  Not just vanish, actually die.  So Perseus has to track down Poseidon’s son Agenor and search for “the fallen one”.  (Who anyone who stayed awake in 5th Grade knows is Hephaestus, Greek god of fire.)  Once Perseus does this, he must head to Tartarus, free Zeus, get back to earth, combine Poseidon’s trident, Zeus’ thunderbolt and Hades’ pitchfork into a spear that can kill Cronos.  Phew.  Got all that?

This should really be called Wrath of the Titan, since there’s only one of the pesky buggers in this story.  Guess Gemma Arterton from Clash of the Titans decided to pass on this movie, because her character Io was killed off passed away before the start of this story.  That’s okay, because actors here are only so many chess pieces to be moved around the glorious special effects.  In all honesty, acting isn’t something you focus on in this movie; director Jonathan Liebesman (Battle: Los Angeles) pours all of his love and attention into crafting scenes of war and hell.  But Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes and Bill Nighy bring their A-game to this film.  Watching Nighy caper about as clearly half-mad from loneliness Hephaestus is an absolute delight.  But very brief moments of good acting is all you’ll get here.  This film does get credit for introducing me to Toby Kebbell, who gives good antihero as Poseidon’s son/wannabe Trickster demigod Agenor.

Apollo and Athena are listed in the characters on IMDb, but I didn’t see hide nor hair of either in the film.  Guess there were scenes that were cut that had these characters, though how they’d have fit into this story is beyond me.  Then again the story tends to flit from topic to topic, so who knows.  There are six writers listed for Wrath of the Titans, and it shows.  Too many cooks spoil the Titan holocaust, people.  A romantic connection is given so little attention that at the end when the two characters kiss — or, more precisely, when one kisses another — the receiver of said kiss looks about as stunned and non-plussed getting it as I felt watching it.

The 3D is very good, a mix of 1950’s “spear comin’ at’cha!” shocks and modern “you’re in the story because stuff is drifting your way” effects.  I’d have liked to have seen more lava dripping over the audience, more ash drifting around the theater; think Final Destination 5 and their brilliant use of 3D.  But the CGI is pretty kick-ass, so if money’s tight you won’t miss much by hitting the film in regular theaters.  No matter how you look at this film, you’ll want to take your bathroom break before the climax, when Cronos blows out of a mountain, reducing it to so much rubble and ash.  And the creepy, Siamese-twin lava death machines are pretty awesome to behold.  I loved the battle scenes, very reminiscent of The Two Towers.  Plenty of action going on, with nothing getting short shrift.  Well, except for the storyline.  And any semblance of character development.  Oh, you get the idea.

If you can forgive a story that bops from place to place a bit and just settle in and enjoy the badassery of CGI battles?  You could do worse than Wrath of the Titans.  Think of this as a tasty little CGI apertif ‘til Battleship opens and blows us out of the water.